Swami Original

  

What you see is the last photo of my mother and I in the same frame, when she was alive. That was the last daylight she saw. Even though she was my mother, she was like my first child and hence her passing is like passing of my first-born and mother together and life will never be the same again. She had completed 73 years on this planet.

Thanks for all the support that you have provided. I apologize for not taking calls from anyone, as I’m still not in a position to talk about it. I have written down what I can, as fast as I can and answered a few questions along the way. It makes things emotional to repeat it.

Plan for India:

I decided to go to India at the end of June to be with my mother and bring her back to the U.S. after her medical examinations in India. I decided on Thursday, booked ticket on Friday, did RT/PCR on Saturday and  flew on Sunday. My manager at work wholeheartedly supported it. My mother and I  were vaccinated against COVID.  I had planned to bring her back through Mexico as there is travel ban between U.S. and India (Legal Immigration policy of U.S. makes no one happy but that is a separate topic). We even joked that my mom can wear bikinis in Cancun, Mexico and post pictures the way Indian models do in the Maldives.  Although this was my first trip to India after 4 years, I was going to see her physically after almost two years, as she could not come to U.S. due to COVID restrictions between two countries. I told about this visit to very few individuals, as I wanted to spend as much time as I can with her. No tourist visits my hometown area in June or July due to hot and humid climate and  rain.

Visit to India:

I took a flight from San Francisco to New Delhi and from New Delhi to Nagpur. My cousin was kind enough to lend his driver and new car (It is difficult to lend new car) to travel between Nagpur and Akola, my hometown.  I could not sleep as I was so looking forward to meet my mother. The driver took me through a new route that crossed Poorna River. I told the driver that I had immersed my father’s ashes in that river 20 years back. Little did I know that I would be immersing my mother’s ashes within a month at the same location with contrast feelings.

Week 1: Time with Mother:

 Saying that my mother and I were elated to see each other would be an understatement. When I wasn’t with her in the last two years, I made it a point to call her for an hour every day on average. It was easy as she had that many stories; all I had to do was say hello, and the stories in colorful details would follow. Even when we were all in lockdown, we still had hour-long calls.

Nothing can match being with each other. Finally, after two years of physical separation, we were going to be together for a long time as she was going to come with me to U.S. after her health checks in India. I had missed being with her and hence, I followed her like an energetic pet everywhere as I wanted to spend whatever time, I could, with her. I had decided to observe her health as she always lied about how fit she was as she did not want to bother her kids. She had been staying alone in my hometown from past nine months and the series of lockdowns due to COVID and lack of medical facilities due to infrastructure devoted to COVID seems to have taken its toll. She had become weak and her spirits were low. As a son, I feel that there is a link with one’s mother that transcends logic and geographies. My sudden decision to come to India in near peak COVID was considered suicide by many in US whom I’d told about it. I still took the risk as I felt something was drastically wrong. All those who know my mother know that she has always been a fighter and had a childlike energy all along. Even on her worst days, she never let her fighting spirit and energy die down. There is a reason I call her my first child, as I had to do a lot to control her energetic behavior. She had broken her hipbone a year early as she was trying to climb a tree to pluck flowers/fruits. She had never given me a hint of any health issue over the phone.

We completed meeting with dentists in  the first week and had regular Diabetes check. Based on the feedback we had decided to extract a tooth that was causing her pain next week. I was irritated by the unprofessional behavior by both the dentists we met, but was told that it is the norm.

 

Week 2: Time with Mother and Sisters:

As I came to India after 4 years, my two elder sisters came down to meet me in hometown in second week. I was not in favor of their visit, because during the day, I would spend time visiting doctors with my mother and would work in the night. Due to both priorities, I felt it would not do justice to their visit. In addition, it would be risky to travel during COVID.  

For that week, we ended up living a life that we lived, may be,30-35 years back. We all became kids for that week. I could not accompany my sisters everywhere due to work but I did promise to make it over the weekend. We started re-organizing the house during the week as we thought that we would find items that would bring back many memories. My mother had a weak spot for purses, shoes and sarees. We found a ton of them and joked a lot about it all week. My mother always told us that they were all gifts that she received. We also kept on finding many photos, letters, books and that brought back many lost memories. My nephew and niece were bored by all the stories that we were telling them.  On Friday evening, we went to the Athletics ground, where my sisters used to practice athletics and the library they studied. It was raining heavily but we still had a running competition and I did better than them for the first time in life.  That Saturday, the house felt the same way it was 30-35 years back, noisy, chaotic, and euphoric and it felt like a dream. We were busy pulling each other’s leg and having great time. My eldest sister was scheduled to leave on Saturday evening but we extended her stay by another day, as we wanted to spend more time together as we never knew when this time would ever come again once my mother and I came back to U.S.  Unplanned get together worked out well.

We went back to sleep around midnight although no one wanted to go as we had planned to go to Katepurna Temple next day. It was closed due to COVID but we had planned to swim in the river near the temple the way we did as kids. We were on Cloud 9.

Week 3:Last Night: July 11

Life is stranger than fiction. I can say life is way more brutal, cruel, ruthless, harsh, severe  than fiction. When I went to sleep, I never imagined what lied ahead in next 4-5 hours. We were supposed to meet all doctors in week 3 before we left for U.S but I did not expect it to be so soon.

@1 a.m. At about 1 a.m. my eldest sister woke me up that my mother was not feeling well. My sister and I were in different rooms. My mother told me that she is having a toothache. I gave her a painkiller and told her that we will go to dentist first thing in the morning. She had a tooth extracted last Monday and we thought that it must have been causing that pain. I asked her to call me if she had pain again.

@ 2 a.m. After about 45 minutes, she started sweating and had became restless. My eldest sister saw her coming from the restroom and  helped her to go to bedroom and woke me up again. She used to sweat a lot in past too and it was hot and humid and we all were sweating but not as much as she was and hence that did not raise any alarm bells. My sister checked her blood pressure and it was high but not high enough to alarm us. My mother had those readings quite often and one of the doctors had told us that this is her new normal.  I googled and saw that excessive sweating was one of the symptoms for heart attack but she had no chest pain. I called two doctors who rent one part of our house and asked if we need to take her to ER. They checked her BP, pulse rate, and whatever they checked was normal at that instant. Even sweating had reduced.  They said that she may have overeaten, that may have caused gases, and once she throws up or goes to toilet, it will be ok. She had hyper acidity and gases for many years and that may be the reason for her current restlessness. All this time, my mother was telling us that she is fine and we were being too dramatic. The biggest mistake that we made was to trust my mother's judgement at that time and not ours. Like any mother, she did not want to bother her kids.  

@ 3 a.m. Mother threw up as the tenant doctors had said and she said that she started feeling better. My sister checked BP again but it was lower than normal and we decided to override my mother's opinion and we  decided to shift her to hospital as a precaution. I drove to one of the biggest multi specialty hospital, which is about 2 kilometers from home (5 minute drive by Scooter) and asked the ambulance driver for the ambulance. I came back with the ambulance within 20 minutes. I had already asked my sister to bring my mother downstairs once I got the ambulance. My mother reluctantly agreed to come to hospital. She even asked for a cup of tea before she came down from our 2^nd floor house. 

@ 4 a.m. We were in Hospital  in the emergency room. We were the only ones that day and the two doctors immediately attended to her. I was asked to buy medicines and then pay for a MRI and my sister was asked to pay for other hospital bills.  My mom was still communicating with the doctors and us but she was restless. Doctors took ECG which was near normal and they said that it doesn’t look like a heart attack. They tried to put oxygen mask but she refused saying that she can breathe.  They checked her sugar level and it was 480 at that time.  They took her to MRI room after observing her for few minutes where she collapsed and then they took her immediately to ICU. That was the last time I saw her alive and  while I was paying MRI bill.

My eldest sister and I after paying all the  bills and buying new medications were standing in front of the ICU. After 15-20 minutes, the emergency doctor came and said that my mother’s health is serious and may not survive. My whole world collapsed when I heard those words. We were relieved that she was in hospital but did not expect to hear this from Doc. We signed few forms for liability and waited impatiently for any info. This was totally opposite to the world in which the family was just 5 hours back. The doctors in ICU both senior and junior kept us giving regular updates. @ 5.35ish my sister went in an intermediate section of ICU where she saw doctors giving CPR to my mother. Monitor showed wavy lines while CPR  was being given. When that doctor/nurse was replaced by another, the  line went straight in the gap.  My sister watched it for few minutes and came out of the room with a look that I will never forget.

@ 6 a.m.  The doctors came back and told us that my mother is no more.  They could not ascertain the cause of her death and they would need to conduct a post mortem to get to the root cause. My eldest sister and I were both in a state of shock and I'd became numb. We said no to the post mortem plan and asked for her body. From this point onwards, our loved ones are no longer themselves, and are sadly referred to as the Body.

The worst shock was for my middle sister who was at home waiting impatiently and was not witness to any of the events of hospital. It was very difficult to communicate what had happened and how.   

After more than two hours of admin work at the hospital we took the Body home. 

Post Death Introspection:

I can write a book on what may have gone  wrong or what I could have done differently. This is all I have been thinking almost all the time. I also understand that after reading what I have written, there will be many Monday morning Quarterbacks but if it can save one life, it’ll be worth it.  I’ll list down few mistakes and few observations:

1.       THE BRAIN DOES NOT WORK especially if a loved one is involved. I had an ambulance number with me in the house and I had organized medical papers a day early as we were supposed to meet with doctors on Monday. I foolishly went to get an ambulance and that took roughly 20 minutes. Practicing emergency drills at home the way we do earthquake and fire drills in U.S. is extremely important. This also includes training all the young children.

2.       All symptoms; jaw pain, sweating, vomiting, high BP that I listed above point to impending or live heart attack. The only symptom that was missing was chest pain. I found out later that WOMEN MAY NOT HAVE CHEST PAIN. One of the doctor told us that patients with diabetes might not feel chest pain. Women’s symptoms differ from men and what we see in movies. Although we will never know what caused my mother’s death, I believe that all the symptoms were pointing towards a heart attack. Most people I talked with afterwards did not know that heart attacks may not always involve chest pain.

3.      It also requires great communication from the patient as without it, the true impacts and issues may not be found, and cause even greater harm afterwards, such as the emotional pain of someone close passing away. Parents usually choose not to bother kids with their health condition and suffer alone. They also need to understand that the suffering is way more if the situation becomes fatal. 

4.    In Indian culture we are trained since childhood to follow orders from elders without asking any questions. Not a single day has not gone passed by when I didn't curse myself for not overriding my mother's reluctance to go to hospital and  take her to ER sooner. 

5.   We did not do post mortem as we didn't want the doctors to further dissect my mother (now referred to as body). In hindsight, after consulting with different doctors, it looks like a mistake. It would have told us the root cause of her death which we  will never know. It would also warn us and our children of any genetic disorder.  

 

I have pledged to educate as many as I can and this blog is in that direction to educate non medical folks about basic warning signs. I will learn along the way and post it in this or other blog. If my effort saves one life, it will be a tribute to my mother.